My best friends promises that well be best friends forever. Thats all I need.

Remind me to kill myself or something when I move to Texas.

recent photos.

I miss highschool :]
I miss these girls;
they were the epitome of fuuuunnnn!

I went to Orlando; ugh the most fun ive had in years.
That was the best getaway possible; i miss it already.

Brian; Leaves me Speechless. He is Ideal.

Cheeese :]
no one ever notices my smile. I think its the best thing about me.

My car.
My 07' mitsubishi eclipse. My parents love me.

I cant wait :]

I cant wait to be a mom;a wife.
to have a family and know that ill always have people to depend on; to love me back.
no matter what flaws i have. That will accept me as i am. My random words.
My blonde moments and the fact that i cant stand staying in the house for too long.
I know..love your life while our young; or whatever the adults say. I know being 18 doesnt last forever.
but i'm so ready; i promise.
I cant wait.

Out of it. Save me.

I don't know; how i got to this position. I'm emotional; i've lost my best friends. I've lost who i am in the process. Where do i go from here. I given so much of me; and i've realized that i have nothing left.. the people i love remind me of who i am, but i cant do it anymore. It seems like everything i do isn't okay. Im making wrong decisions left and right. I need to fall back. Who i am isn't cutting it. I've been lying to myself and i've figured it out. I cant even put my feelings out on this fucking blog. I'm so tired I'm confused. I don't know where to begin; how to bring myself back up. Maybe its all just me maybe there is something wrong with me; maybe i'm just a bad person and i don't know what's good n what isn't. i'm the one thats doing to all wrong. I feel like i'm worthless that no matter what i day i'm going to stay insignificant. I feel like the impact i wanted to make..i couldn't make. I didn't make. My self esteem is way passed low. Its over.

Wishlist; lalala [[ahem]]

I wish my doctor didn’t have to call my house ever and that my world as I knew it when it came to my health was different. I wish I knew my precise purpose in my life, so that I could skip the bullshit and get to the astonishing parts. I wish that lying was never heard of and that no matter what people told the truth. I’ve always wished that insecurities weren’t created. Everyone is different, everyone has their own splendor and I wish they understood that. I wish I understood that. I wish for peace; I'm not just saying that to be derivative, but I do. I wish that people would stop telling me that over thinking is bad. I have a mind of an artist because I over think. How do you think those famous painters and rappers and singers got to where they are? They are over thinkers. We don’t over think and have uncertainties; we have doubts then over think. So either way we are still going to have doubts about things. We're still going to speculate if were good enough. Or question why it had to be us. I wish hurt didn’t exist and that the first person you actually were really in love with was the one you would be with without end. I wish I didn’t have to go through the things that I go through with my family. I wish that promises that were made were kept and secrets weren’t secrets because you could tell anyone anything and you wouldn’t have to agonize about them telling someone else. I wish we all died at the same time so that I wouldn’t have to deal with death and losing someone I love, it would be impossible, but I still wish it. I wish my grandpa didn’t have a stroke and that we could still play dominoes in the garage and ride our bikes to seven eleven. I don’t care how much older I am, I don’t think I could ever give up doing that with him. I wish I had Regina and Deangelo's relationship with my significant other, they are just so cute. I wish warren would look at me and smile more often, because he has no idea how much that melts my insides. I wish people would stop doubting me and him as a couple. I wish my parents could get a divorce; they’re not good together and they need to figure it out. I wish my family in Atlanta were much closer. I wish all my family was closer. It seems like my farther out family is a thousand times better then my immediate family. I wish that I made better decisions in high school. I wish I didn’t put others feelings in front of mine. I wish Greg never called me out and said that "it seems like a new guy for you Sasha, every week". I could have avowed I was trying for it to not be that way. I wish that I never had to think about moving to Texas. I wish Texas could go to mother fucking hell...along with everyone in it. I wish you wouldn’t arbitrate me; I'm not a mean person. I wish my group of friends could realize how much we all just adore each other; and that no matter what we’ve all impacted each other’s lives in so many ways. I wish they realized how much they and their families mean so much to me. I wish that we’d all realize no matter what we’d be true to at least each other before we were to other people that aren’t in our group. I wish Paloma understood that some of the things she believes in aren’t ethically right. That you don’t think you are superior everyone else, because you’re a good person, so why say it? I wish that Ryan...wasn’t so dysfunctional.
Ugh Ill finish this later; my eyes are getting super heavy.

All is love, peace; and happiness,
Sasha.

No more; Pacemaker...

Sickle cell anemia is a blood disorder that affects hemoglobin (pronounced: hee-muh-glow-bin), the protein found in red blood cells (RBCs) that helps carry oxygen throughout the body.

The mind of an overthinker; me.

Today felt like the longest day ever.
I woke up this morning shivering and sweating.
I had to search online about bulimia nervosa..I pulled out my pink laptop from under my pillow, opened it , clicked safari. At first I couldn't type it... My hands were shaking so much. I think though this time I was more afraid of what I might find out. Funny thing, I'm glad I was afraid. When I pressed enter I realized it was on images. The pictures that came up were horrid. Ribs and bones poking out of places that I didn't know was even there.
Now I don't want you to judge me. By all means don't judge me. I don't think I noticed it until now. The self induced vomiting and the pills.
My friend...Thinks she can do it by herself. I used to think she can... I still do, she's a strong person. She hasn't done it for a few weeks but she takes more pills. I didn't know pills still counted as a symptom of nervosa. I still dont see why she started. I'm trying to rem. The exact moment feeling that thats what she wanted. The beginning of my day wasn't new. It was the fourth identical morning in just these past two weeks. I'm still hopping nothing is seriously wrong.
... That was hard, I'm going to sleep.


You are loved; don't give up.
Always,
Sasha

Inspired by this Blog I follow; Jovanna.

A few things that some of my friends dont know about me :]
Jovanna had something along the lines of "25 things you may not know"..or something.



I'm probably the nicest and funniest girl you'll ever meet.
Smile! It does wonders for people who are having a bad day.
Ive got this drive; When i want something, i work for it and i get it.
My mom is probably the most amazing person to me.
Ive got alot of respect for my mom.
Without music id be nuts..literally.
I think i travel more then i breath.
I'm really random. Like adhd random.
wait not like adhd..haha i have adhd.
I try my hardest to impact peoples lives, in a good way.
I love helping people..love it.
I have 1 tattoo. I want just 1-2 more.
&& i like them in places you cant see.
I like to dance..even tho im not that great, but i like it.
I'm not the attention seeking type of girl.
Id do anything for my true friends.
I'm not your average black girl...nope definetly not.
I work at an elementary school and i love it.
kids are definetly my life.
I speak two languages not including english.
Pre-law student..yess ill have school for the next 5 in a half years.


Everlasting friendship; not war :]
Always,
Sasha

Had to post this up;

This was actually from a story i had to right & put together from my last class.
He wanted to see something from the past; that we thought was really good.



How do you carry out your emotions and tear them apart. The thoughts you have; where do you position them. Where it hurts the slightest or right in front to let them elsewhere and surmount your existence. What if come to find out you can’t defeat them. Your ever so being right in the eyes of strangers you let your heart set off and come to find out…You can’t conquer them. What if all you thought and understood was in the wrong. Or the feelings, friendships, strengths you built that took years you have to flee. What if it was the only thing you can do; run. What if, no one knew the genuine you. The one person you let love, existence and certainty take over with, and turns out he/she could care less. Without thinking about it do you comprehend how many people you hurt in a lifetime? Without thinking about it how many people have you beyond doubt helped and been there for. Your tears make up a story. When you cry it may perhaps be for one reason or for me countless reasons breaking me down all at once. I may perhaps sit here and divulge all the things going wrong right at this moment, And the few things going right. However, I’m not...all I’m going to say is that it has to get better. Our perfect example of being our complete faults and loves; is needed to be established. In two months I have to find out how I’m going to live the rest of my life. What I believe to be my faults and my loves and that utter silences have power over my internal soul. In two months I need to find elsewhere who I am to become. In two months I have to build every reminiscence to be a superior one. I want to assist as many people as achievable. I want to feel affection for someone with all my spirit, mind and heart, strength and even body. There is a burning desire to position god first and believe in myself. Inside all those things; this radiance overcomes me.

These feelings came all together erupting at one time. The day where the end; was the beginning. Where I realized things will be different for the rest of my life; Graduation. We walked the walk...head up high. No one ever worried about what came next. What comes next? I didn’t have one idea. I’m not talking in relation to going to parties and getting wasted. I by no means do that in the first place. I mean with the rest of my existence, my future. It’s not happily ever after and it on no account will be. I’ve grown up knowing that it will always be a struggle. I don’t believe that my parents showed me an inkling of it being happy. I was never dispossessed as a matter of fact, I was spoiled really, but I’ve never remembered my parents make clear to me that it’s not for eternity about wealth. I went to school and it was always about name brands and how much money you have, never about how good of a person you are. What irked me the most was it is almost precisely as if you were watching those dense kid shows on television about status and being categorized. Is that how sorry high school was? Well it’s over I could care less about what people think but I’m about to shit in my fucking pants. I sucked in high school, I just about graduated and I’m theoretically to go to college? I want to, but I have to convert who I am if I’m going to make it; which makes me bemused. Should I leave? If I move I’ll have an innovative start. I want to be myself and not muse on who I hang out with. I need to contemplate on school. I mean, I really don’t grasp what’s stopping me from leaving in the first place. Could it possibly be him?

Love; Promise; Choices

Karma I tell you lol , I'm not sure where to begin. I strive to understand hurt; love. I wasn't this way before; The Unspeakable was what it was. It took me 2 1/2 years to let go of the hate and love that I had for him.
Not only does it end forever between us, he turned out to be gay. But still the conceited ass bastard he is, I had unbelievable feelings for him. The kind that never went away until it was actually over. The kind that let him walk all over me. I never said anything about it and he still ended up breaking up with me.. After two years. But he made me who I am today. He taught me things that I couldn't have learned without him. He impacted me in unbelievable ways. After that they're were others. They understood till I pushed them over the edge. They fought my walls for very long times.. They pushed and pulled and I could never open up; no matter how much I wanted to I couldn't so I played them. I think about each of them every single day, and honestly, they each genuinely loved me. With open arms to embrace me even with this baggage that followed me. The way the unspeakable impacted my life, I strive to impact the life of the others after him, but I was not going to let them control me. I made sure that I would not, will not get walked all over. I cared about each guy genuinely though. I cried my heart out when they gave up. But I realized that they can't get me out of this, I have to do it myself. It was hard very hard understanding that the way the unspeakable hurt me is the same way I hurt the others after him. Probably worse. But I didn't know how bad it was.

Then I met him; I've known him since the beginning of high school ,for 4 years, but I finally paid attention to who he was; is. I didn't rush things and he knew what he was getting into because we were friends in high school . We didn't plan it we didn't expect it. At first he was like the rest of the guys. But I told him no; I don't want to hurt anyone anymore so I avoided it. I avoided him; he didn't push and he waited and I couldn't’t stay away. He knew what he wanted. We couldn't leave each other alone because we were going through the same things. When I said I couldn't hurt anyone anymore I meant it; I kept reliving my worst fear. I kept losing someone I cared deeply about. I've never felt so much pain anguish. So I didn't want to hurt him. But it took me the hard way to realize what I was doing was wrong. But for him he didn't no no he.. He wouldn't go through it he wouldn't, He didn't want to get walked all over and hurt. The way he did with his horrible unspeakable.It's just we clicked so well I love his personality. When it comes to personality he's literally what I would have asked for; we like each other too much maybe love each other to let go of each other. But he said this to me at one point he said " We can be talking but I'm not going to be one of those other guys; that you treat like shit; I'm not going to be just another guy" but even though I wanted to stop playing guys it felt good to be the unspeakable to other guys; so I stayed that way even though I knew it was wrong.

But he didn’t want that, so I had to make a choice. It took me awhile but the more I waited n made excuses the more he was still there the more I knew he was it. He had to be the one;it. The more I pay attention the more I realized it. He knew me; the tons of times that we took each other out of classes to talk to sneak into the teachers lounge to get drinks... He always heard them.The stories about playing with feelings and emotions. So i had ,and still have to, make sure that im not going to do it to him, and even when I told him that ,I can't hurt anyone anymore that when it comes to him I don't want to lose him, and that I feel vulnerable around him, and in a weird way he teaches me something new about meyself everyday. Well in the back of his mind he was worried, he thought that I was playing him; that he was just another guy. He wanted to be more then that to me so he was walking all over me and hurting me only to make sure I wouldn't do it to him and maybe that if he was different then those past boys and not let me walk all over him, things would work out. We care about each other a lot and no matter how many times we've tried and gave up we always come back to each other. Then we came to an abrupt end… I can't remember exactly what happened, but all i knew was he was ignoring me. After a few days he called me laughing without an inkling of hurt, to tell me it was over. What made it worse was that I was in the mall crying my eyes out and he was going to the movies with my best friend paloma right after, and when I called her to tell her, she brushed it off her shoulder and said something along the lines of “can we do this tomorrow I really want to go to the movies.” I decided then that maybe we just might not be best friends forever. I was never okay after that, I had more then one rebound and months went by. I knew I was always going to be a bitch to guys, they weren't worth anything better. My family went on vacation to Texas to visit my dad; that’s a whole other different story. And finally while I was there i realized that i was okay. I accepted us not being together and that it was over.. We were friends at this point, well we had to be we had the same friends, we flirted a little just to kill the awkwardness. We had even gone to dinner the night before I left for Texas, with a few friends at Hooters. We hadn't texted or anything I wasn't expecting us to text at all.


Then on new years day he texted me and my heart dropped. He was talking about wanting me. At first I was just thinking he's horny or something ,he knows I don't have sex. I'm staying a virgin until im married, so I wasn't texting him back right away; but then paloma who never liked him for me before,texted me and was telling me that she had talked to him and that maybe we were meant to be together and that he was pouring his feelings to everyone and that I should listen to him. So I did and I was furious. I was furious because I was finally more then okay with us not being together. It was okay the way things were, just flirting. I mean we knew we liked each other in the back of our minds but maybe it was good not to act on it. He was pouring his heart out though, and how he missed me and that he doesn't know what love is but that He’s never felt like this before. I was still pissed; pissed to the point that I didn't even care to text him. As a matter of fact, my cousin did for me. But I didn't believe him. He called me to tell me again so i could hear it in his voice how much he cared about me and that he was being real now, No games... I told him that I was going to take a shower and that I'd talk to him tomorrow...I cried that night,I couldn't sleep.Well the next day he tried more and paloma tried to convince me more. But the thing was I didn't want to hurt at all again. I didn't want him to hurt me more then he already had and I wanted him to understand that I'm not here to hurt him either. That I'd give up the world for him. The day after I got back he invited us over. It was Paloma and Ryan and him and I. Well paloma was about to leave so Ryan went to talk to her and left me with him... & it started all over again that he was going to try and that he didnt want to play games, he wants a real relationship. I said'Ya know i was moving on, I was sort of dating this other guy and he treats me really well, I cant just drop him now that you came back around." Well as first he understood and he was willing to wait. Then a few days later, he calls me late at night. He explains hes going to say some stuff and as soon as hes done hes going to hang up and let me think about what i want to do; That he knows what he wants; he wants me. He doesnt want to have to fight for me or play these games for me. I was supposed to make a choice. Either he move on and leave me alone, or it was me and him against the world. So i made it. I stopped talking to this other guy and we were okay. We were more then okay; and well he asked me to be his girlfriend but I still said I had to think about it. I still didn't trust him or believe he wasn't going to hurt me like he did before. We went out, him and his family and I.That same night we talked about it again and the next night, I guess something was wrong. He has this tendency to be snippy when somethings wrong but doesnt verbalize it..(were working on that lol) and I was talking to his cousin Ryan who happens to be my best friend, and he was saying about how warren could be getting tired of waiting on me.. So I made a rash decision and told him okay we can date,only because I didn't want to lose him. It was going great until he made a stupid mistake. He shut me out and stopped talking to me and ignored me. I got upset and texted him all this mean stuff and then he opted that maybe we should just talk and see where it goes from here, i agreed. Honestly?..thats what i wanted. Then for three nights straight we opened up to each other significantly. It's been three weeks and I'm ready for us to date. He's been so good to me. Except for his random bad mood days...& sometimes it feels like everything I do for him isn't good enough. But he's trying to change and I'm willing to be patient...it's hard.. So hard,even harder now that he mistakenly took my virginity...I was really upset about that but that’s a diff story; but I will tell you that day after it happened when I was crying he was someone else. I saw the absolutely amazing person that i knew he can be ... It was there it was kind of like a light at the end of the tunnel type thing? It was amazing...but with him you never know what can happen... I still prepare for the worst I do. He gets mad when I do that because I'm obviously doubting him.. I try not too though. If he does do something stupid which is expected, well were not all perfect and i get upset and i vent, at the end people ask me “then why stay with him?“ and I say exactly this “Because,I know he can change were both doing it together. I know how amazing he can be & we will get there. We both say if it isn't love, were pretty dang close to it. When it comes to me and him it's going to be us against the world.”

Make love; Not war =]
Always,
Sashyyy!

Numero 2; Keepin Him Around :/

soo i know im supposed to finish tellin you about my friends but i think im going to skip that for now becuase i need to vent, I'm pretty pissed off about now. He doesnt love me he doesnt care. I dont know why i cant tell him i'm done and i'm over all this bull shit he puts me through. Its coming out to be just like my other relationship with The Unspeakable. I'm starting to think that maybe its worse. I dont know where to put my thoughts tho. I'm not even sure if its okay that im saying this stuff...maybe im just thinking too muchh. Everyone says i'm thinking too muchh..Ami thinking too much. But they cant blame me ive been through so mch when it comes to guys..ya know?i dont even know where to begin to tell you but i know im being walked all overr. but no matter what i do i cant let him go..because i love him theres nothing in me that will tell him to just leave. Because he tellls me all the time that hes trying to change how much he cares and that im thee only one. And that i'm the one that he will always come back too. And lately theres been more good then bad..soo maybe i'm just being selfishh..idk its either he treats me amazing or treats me horribly.
And im not asking him to buy me expensive things or alll the commercial stuff..i ust want his love his attention his care..just the stupid unsuperficial stuff. ughh its frustrating..i lost my virginity to him and i think that could be why..I didnt want to i didnt plan it either & it was also in the bathroom of the house that i babysit at while i was babysitting and he was over..ugh hes playing me isnt he see how i think too much? Ive vented enough. All im saying is that i love him; nd im sticking around as long as possible..im not ready to be hurt again..i'm not.

Theres one thing that i reallized today;
I hate losing someone i love.

Love not war;
Sasha
btw; WAtching narnia the second movie.

Numero 1; Keepin' it real.

So i guess i should start out by saying that i love my friends to death.
I'm not a fake person and honestly i try my best not to lie.
But i do have the hardest time being open. Ive noticed that its not fair to them that i know them so well but when it came to me; Its kinda like im holding back.
I dont want to do it i do subconciously...Well this guy im dating who happens to be one of my bestfriends in thie whole group we hang out with, decided with me that we would be as open as possible with each other. With just him its so hard. So hear i am trying my hardest to be open. But since blogging is about your life well my life. I guess i should talk about the people around me so you have a better understanding of who i am.

Ill start off with my familia;
Je mama et papa est haitian et francais_canadian.
Me and my brother marlonn were born in the states.
He's 22 and me 18.
My grandmother lives with us. She interesting..
Shetends to grow on people..but yeah shes my mothers mom.
My dad doesnt live with us; he lives in texas.
Not because my parents are divorced but because he couldnt find a job here.. with all these economy problems. But they almost did. Lets just say my dads n ass; they were on the verge of divorcing until he decided he was "christian" fuckin' lame. I dont believe him.
My mom does and here she is pushing everyone to texas..for his stupid ass.
Lately ive been feeling like maybe i shoulld go willingly...ugh long storryy.
But when it comes down to it its going to be hard. Ive lived here for 18 years of my life. My friends are all i havee plus my family. Idk its hard. but thats where i am with them, well ; right now anywaay.

My bestfruends are very important to me. They get me through the impossibles..

so theyre's paloma; shes the main go to person. Ive known her the longest. Weve gone through so much with each from school to friends.. we go through them like no other haha. Were there for each think and thin; we both have most of the same close friends but if need be if something went wrong with one of us honestly we would drop all of them; Our motto is "as long as we have each other; every oneelse can stop breathing." Harsh? true but weve been through shit i promise.

Then Mikaela; who is also my cousin.
Ive only been close to her for these past three years bu ill tell you right now; every bone in my body had got love for this girl; shes my other half in all seriousness theyres noone else i can be so myself with; even though she 3 years younger then me noone else can click as well as me n her. Shes the funniest girl ive ever met in my life; and she can change and bad mood that id ever had. Just her being her.

Okay there is dj but i say deej; he is amazing my white nigg. haha i love him; and i think i do becuase hes my getaway person becuase not that im not close to him but when im with him or am talking to him its like i forget about all my problems.because hes not in the midst of them. hes his own person and i love that; noone will ever cchange deej; And hes always like around..he never misses my texts very rarely ever. i love that haha. newho deej is far away to not be in my drama and close enough tto know it.lol. thats why hes way up there lol.

Ive got
Ryan
Warren(him)
Regina
davisha
The Un speakable.(ex-treavor)
& then theres the random guys; youll get to know each of them as i go on..

In the mean time i'm pretty tired so i'm gonna lay the end here.

love not war :]
Sasha

btw; listening too "Brand New" remix by drake n lil wayne.