Karma I tell you lol , I'm not sure where to begin. I strive to understand hurt; love. I wasn't this way before; The Unspeakable was what it was. It took me 2 1/2 years to let go of the hate and love that I had for him.
Not only does it end forever between us, he turned out to be gay. But still the conceited ass bastard he is, I had unbelievable feelings for him. The kind that never went away until it was actually over. The kind that let him walk all over me. I never said anything about it and he still ended up breaking up with me.. After two years. But he made me who I am today. He taught me things that I couldn't have learned without him. He impacted me in unbelievable ways. After that they're were others. They understood till I pushed them over the edge. They fought my walls for very long times.. They pushed and pulled and I could never open up; no matter how much I wanted to I couldn't so I played them. I think about each of them every single day, and honestly, they each genuinely loved me. With open arms to embrace me even with this baggage that followed me. The way the unspeakable impacted my life, I strive to impact the life of the others after him, but I was not going to let them control me. I made sure that I would not, will not get walked all over. I cared about each guy genuinely though. I cried my heart out when they gave up. But I realized that they can't get me out of this, I have to do it myself. It was hard very hard understanding that the way the unspeakable hurt me is the same way I hurt the others after him. Probably worse. But I didn't know how bad it was.
Then I met him; I've known him since the beginning of high school ,for 4 years, but I finally paid attention to who he was; is. I didn't rush things and he knew what he was getting into because we were friends in high school . We didn't plan it we didn't expect it. At first he was like the rest of the guys. But I told him no; I don't want to hurt anyone anymore so I avoided it. I avoided him; he didn't push and he waited and I couldn't’t stay away. He knew what he wanted. We couldn't leave each other alone because we were going through the same things. When I said I couldn't hurt anyone anymore I meant it; I kept reliving my worst fear. I kept losing someone I cared deeply about. I've never felt so much pain anguish. So I didn't want to hurt him. But it took me the hard way to realize what I was doing was wrong. But for him he didn't no no he.. He wouldn't go through it he wouldn't, He didn't want to get walked all over and hurt. The way he did with his horrible unspeakable.It's just we clicked so well I love his personality. When it comes to personality he's literally what I would have asked for; we like each other too much maybe love each other to let go of each other. But he said this to me at one point he said " We can be talking but I'm not going to be one of those other guys; that you treat like shit; I'm not going to be just another guy" but even though I wanted to stop playing guys it felt good to be the unspeakable to other guys; so I stayed that way even though I knew it was wrong.
But he didn’t want that, so I had to make a choice. It took me awhile but the more I waited n made excuses the more he was still there the more I knew he was it. He had to be the one;it. The more I pay attention the more I realized it. He knew me; the tons of times that we took each other out of classes to talk to sneak into the teachers lounge to get drinks... He always heard them.The stories about playing with feelings and emotions. So i had ,and still have to, make sure that im not going to do it to him, and even when I told him that ,I can't hurt anyone anymore that when it comes to him I don't want to lose him, and that I feel vulnerable around him, and in a weird way he teaches me something new about meyself everyday. Well in the back of his mind he was worried, he thought that I was playing him; that he was just another guy. He wanted to be more then that to me so he was walking all over me and hurting me only to make sure I wouldn't do it to him and maybe that if he was different then those past boys and not let me walk all over him, things would work out. We care about each other a lot and no matter how many times we've tried and gave up we always come back to each other. Then we came to an abrupt end… I can't remember exactly what happened, but all i knew was he was ignoring me. After a few days he called me laughing without an inkling of hurt, to tell me it was over. What made it worse was that I was in the mall crying my eyes out and he was going to the movies with my best friend paloma right after, and when I called her to tell her, she brushed it off her shoulder and said something along the lines of “can we do this tomorrow I really want to go to the movies.” I decided then that maybe we just might not be best friends forever. I was never okay after that, I had more then one rebound and months went by. I knew I was always going to be a bitch to guys, they weren't worth anything better. My family went on vacation to Texas to visit my dad; that’s a whole other different story. And finally while I was there i realized that i was okay. I accepted us not being together and that it was over.. We were friends at this point, well we had to be we had the same friends, we flirted a little just to kill the awkwardness. We had even gone to dinner the night before I left for Texas, with a few friends at Hooters. We hadn't texted or anything I wasn't expecting us to text at all.
Then on new years day he texted me and my heart dropped. He was talking about wanting me. At first I was just thinking he's horny or something ,he knows I don't have sex. I'm staying a virgin until im married, so I wasn't texting him back right away; but then paloma who never liked him for me before,texted me and was telling me that she had talked to him and that maybe we were meant to be together and that he was pouring his feelings to everyone and that I should listen to him. So I did and I was furious. I was furious because I was finally more then okay with us not being together. It was okay the way things were, just flirting. I mean we knew we liked each other in the back of our minds but maybe it was good not to act on it. He was pouring his heart out though, and how he missed me and that he doesn't know what love is but that He’s never felt like this before. I was still pissed; pissed to the point that I didn't even care to text him. As a matter of fact, my cousin did for me. But I didn't believe him. He called me to tell me again so i could hear it in his voice how much he cared about me and that he was being real now, No games... I told him that I was going to take a shower and that I'd talk to him tomorrow...I cried that night,I couldn't sleep.Well the next day he tried more and paloma tried to convince me more. But the thing was I didn't want to hurt at all again. I didn't want him to hurt me more then he already had and I wanted him to understand that I'm not here to hurt him either. That I'd give up the world for him. The day after I got back he invited us over. It was Paloma and Ryan and him and I. Well paloma was about to leave so Ryan went to talk to her and left me with him... & it started all over again that he was going to try and that he didnt want to play games, he wants a real relationship. I said'Ya know i was moving on, I was sort of dating this other guy and he treats me really well, I cant just drop him now that you came back around." Well as first he understood and he was willing to wait. Then a few days later, he calls me late at night. He explains hes going to say some stuff and as soon as hes done hes going to hang up and let me think about what i want to do; That he knows what he wants; he wants me. He doesnt want to have to fight for me or play these games for me. I was supposed to make a choice. Either he move on and leave me alone, or it was me and him against the world. So i made it. I stopped talking to this other guy and we were okay. We were more then okay; and well he asked me to be his girlfriend but I still said I had to think about it. I still didn't trust him or believe he wasn't going to hurt me like he did before. We went out, him and his family and I.That same night we talked about it again and the next night, I guess something was wrong. He has this tendency to be snippy when somethings wrong but doesnt verbalize it..(were working on that lol) and I was talking to his cousin Ryan who happens to be my best friend, and he was saying about how warren could be getting tired of waiting on me.. So I made a rash decision and told him okay we can date,only because I didn't want to lose him. It was going great until he made a stupid mistake. He shut me out and stopped talking to me and ignored me. I got upset and texted him all this mean stuff and then he opted that maybe we should just talk and see where it goes from here, i agreed. Honestly?..thats what i wanted. Then for three nights straight we opened up to each other significantly. It's been three weeks and I'm ready for us to date. He's been so good to me. Except for his random bad mood days...& sometimes it feels like everything I do for him isn't good enough. But he's trying to change and I'm willing to be patient...it's hard.. So hard,even harder now that he mistakenly took my virginity...I was really upset about that but that’s a diff story; but I will tell you that day after it happened when I was crying he was someone else. I saw the absolutely amazing person that i knew he can be ... It was there it was kind of like a light at the end of the tunnel type thing? It was amazing...but with him you never know what can happen... I still prepare for the worst I do. He gets mad when I do that because I'm obviously doubting him.. I try not too though. If he does do something stupid which is expected, well were not all perfect and i get upset and i vent, at the end people ask me “then why stay with him?“ and I say exactly this “Because,I know he can change were both doing it together. I know how amazing he can be & we will get there. We both say if it isn't love, were pretty dang close to it. When it comes to me and him it's going to be us against the world.”
Not only does it end forever between us, he turned out to be gay. But still the conceited ass bastard he is, I had unbelievable feelings for him. The kind that never went away until it was actually over. The kind that let him walk all over me. I never said anything about it and he still ended up breaking up with me.. After two years. But he made me who I am today. He taught me things that I couldn't have learned without him. He impacted me in unbelievable ways. After that they're were others. They understood till I pushed them over the edge. They fought my walls for very long times.. They pushed and pulled and I could never open up; no matter how much I wanted to I couldn't so I played them. I think about each of them every single day, and honestly, they each genuinely loved me. With open arms to embrace me even with this baggage that followed me. The way the unspeakable impacted my life, I strive to impact the life of the others after him, but I was not going to let them control me. I made sure that I would not, will not get walked all over. I cared about each guy genuinely though. I cried my heart out when they gave up. But I realized that they can't get me out of this, I have to do it myself. It was hard very hard understanding that the way the unspeakable hurt me is the same way I hurt the others after him. Probably worse. But I didn't know how bad it was.
Then I met him; I've known him since the beginning of high school ,for 4 years, but I finally paid attention to who he was; is. I didn't rush things and he knew what he was getting into because we were friends in high school . We didn't plan it we didn't expect it. At first he was like the rest of the guys. But I told him no; I don't want to hurt anyone anymore so I avoided it. I avoided him; he didn't push and he waited and I couldn't’t stay away. He knew what he wanted. We couldn't leave each other alone because we were going through the same things. When I said I couldn't hurt anyone anymore I meant it; I kept reliving my worst fear. I kept losing someone I cared deeply about. I've never felt so much pain anguish. So I didn't want to hurt him. But it took me the hard way to realize what I was doing was wrong. But for him he didn't no no he.. He wouldn't go through it he wouldn't, He didn't want to get walked all over and hurt. The way he did with his horrible unspeakable.It's just we clicked so well I love his personality. When it comes to personality he's literally what I would have asked for; we like each other too much maybe love each other to let go of each other. But he said this to me at one point he said " We can be talking but I'm not going to be one of those other guys; that you treat like shit; I'm not going to be just another guy" but even though I wanted to stop playing guys it felt good to be the unspeakable to other guys; so I stayed that way even though I knew it was wrong.
But he didn’t want that, so I had to make a choice. It took me awhile but the more I waited n made excuses the more he was still there the more I knew he was it. He had to be the one;it. The more I pay attention the more I realized it. He knew me; the tons of times that we took each other out of classes to talk to sneak into the teachers lounge to get drinks... He always heard them.The stories about playing with feelings and emotions. So i had ,and still have to, make sure that im not going to do it to him, and even when I told him that ,I can't hurt anyone anymore that when it comes to him I don't want to lose him, and that I feel vulnerable around him, and in a weird way he teaches me something new about meyself everyday. Well in the back of his mind he was worried, he thought that I was playing him; that he was just another guy. He wanted to be more then that to me so he was walking all over me and hurting me only to make sure I wouldn't do it to him and maybe that if he was different then those past boys and not let me walk all over him, things would work out. We care about each other a lot and no matter how many times we've tried and gave up we always come back to each other. Then we came to an abrupt end… I can't remember exactly what happened, but all i knew was he was ignoring me. After a few days he called me laughing without an inkling of hurt, to tell me it was over. What made it worse was that I was in the mall crying my eyes out and he was going to the movies with my best friend paloma right after, and when I called her to tell her, she brushed it off her shoulder and said something along the lines of “can we do this tomorrow I really want to go to the movies.” I decided then that maybe we just might not be best friends forever. I was never okay after that, I had more then one rebound and months went by. I knew I was always going to be a bitch to guys, they weren't worth anything better. My family went on vacation to Texas to visit my dad; that’s a whole other different story. And finally while I was there i realized that i was okay. I accepted us not being together and that it was over.. We were friends at this point, well we had to be we had the same friends, we flirted a little just to kill the awkwardness. We had even gone to dinner the night before I left for Texas, with a few friends at Hooters. We hadn't texted or anything I wasn't expecting us to text at all.
Then on new years day he texted me and my heart dropped. He was talking about wanting me. At first I was just thinking he's horny or something ,he knows I don't have sex. I'm staying a virgin until im married, so I wasn't texting him back right away; but then paloma who never liked him for me before,texted me and was telling me that she had talked to him and that maybe we were meant to be together and that he was pouring his feelings to everyone and that I should listen to him. So I did and I was furious. I was furious because I was finally more then okay with us not being together. It was okay the way things were, just flirting. I mean we knew we liked each other in the back of our minds but maybe it was good not to act on it. He was pouring his heart out though, and how he missed me and that he doesn't know what love is but that He’s never felt like this before. I was still pissed; pissed to the point that I didn't even care to text him. As a matter of fact, my cousin did for me. But I didn't believe him. He called me to tell me again so i could hear it in his voice how much he cared about me and that he was being real now, No games... I told him that I was going to take a shower and that I'd talk to him tomorrow...I cried that night,I couldn't sleep.Well the next day he tried more and paloma tried to convince me more. But the thing was I didn't want to hurt at all again. I didn't want him to hurt me more then he already had and I wanted him to understand that I'm not here to hurt him either. That I'd give up the world for him. The day after I got back he invited us over. It was Paloma and Ryan and him and I. Well paloma was about to leave so Ryan went to talk to her and left me with him... & it started all over again that he was going to try and that he didnt want to play games, he wants a real relationship. I said'Ya know i was moving on, I was sort of dating this other guy and he treats me really well, I cant just drop him now that you came back around." Well as first he understood and he was willing to wait. Then a few days later, he calls me late at night. He explains hes going to say some stuff and as soon as hes done hes going to hang up and let me think about what i want to do; That he knows what he wants; he wants me. He doesnt want to have to fight for me or play these games for me. I was supposed to make a choice. Either he move on and leave me alone, or it was me and him against the world. So i made it. I stopped talking to this other guy and we were okay. We were more then okay; and well he asked me to be his girlfriend but I still said I had to think about it. I still didn't trust him or believe he wasn't going to hurt me like he did before. We went out, him and his family and I.That same night we talked about it again and the next night, I guess something was wrong. He has this tendency to be snippy when somethings wrong but doesnt verbalize it..(were working on that lol) and I was talking to his cousin Ryan who happens to be my best friend, and he was saying about how warren could be getting tired of waiting on me.. So I made a rash decision and told him okay we can date,only because I didn't want to lose him. It was going great until he made a stupid mistake. He shut me out and stopped talking to me and ignored me. I got upset and texted him all this mean stuff and then he opted that maybe we should just talk and see where it goes from here, i agreed. Honestly?..thats what i wanted. Then for three nights straight we opened up to each other significantly. It's been three weeks and I'm ready for us to date. He's been so good to me. Except for his random bad mood days...& sometimes it feels like everything I do for him isn't good enough. But he's trying to change and I'm willing to be patient...it's hard.. So hard,even harder now that he mistakenly took my virginity...I was really upset about that but that’s a diff story; but I will tell you that day after it happened when I was crying he was someone else. I saw the absolutely amazing person that i knew he can be ... It was there it was kind of like a light at the end of the tunnel type thing? It was amazing...but with him you never know what can happen... I still prepare for the worst I do. He gets mad when I do that because I'm obviously doubting him.. I try not too though. If he does do something stupid which is expected, well were not all perfect and i get upset and i vent, at the end people ask me “then why stay with him?“ and I say exactly this “Because,I know he can change were both doing it together. I know how amazing he can be & we will get there. We both say if it isn't love, were pretty dang close to it. When it comes to me and him it's going to be us against the world.”
Make love; Not war =]
Always,
Sashyyy!
Btw; I hate sean john thats his jacket lol. I'm the biggest prep possible =]
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